Happy 2014 to the Tumblr world!
I haven’t blogged in ages because I have been writing in my private journals instead. Sometimes, I feel as though being a Christian means living a life that is constantly “switched on”. The way you conduct yourself, make decisions, worship, speak and even write is going to be critiqued by others. While there is true beauty in “sharing life” with others in a honest and and transparent manner I have really missed the intimacy of meditating and speaking to God in the privacy of my own journals. Just like a best friend, I feel as though my relationship with the Father deepens when I can completely “let go” and be myself, share with God my secrets and give him exclusive 1-1 quality time.
Through a series of events, God has been teaching me about pride. While some Christians are the puffed-up self-righteous kind, I lie on the other end of the spectrum. I struggle with guilt, shame and a constant sense of insecurity and unworthiness as a daughter of God. While the latter may seem “humble”, it’s not. It’s pride. It’s the constant “self-checking, self-absorbed, self-centred” attitude that provokes me to fear that I’m not good enough in the eyes of others. I have a giant log of pride in my eye that stops me from believing that Jesus can wash away the sins of my past and redeem me.
Both the puffed up Christian and the one splashing around in the streams of insecurity are sinning because they fail to see themselves through the lens of God. The former fail to see their depravity in light of the Creator - this makes them cocky, critical, self-sufficient and annoying to be around. The latter fail to see their worth in light of the Creator - this makes them attention seekers who constantly sponge for affirmation and are just damn annoying to be around! Both types of people trample on the Gospel of grace and fail to appreciate what Jesus has done for them on the cross.
In the words of C.S.Lews: Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.
"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live. The LORD is gracious and righteous, our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the unwary, when I was brought low he saved me. You LORD have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living." - Psalm 116:1-9
What a beautiful Psalm. A great reminder of why I love God so much - that 5 years ago God became my heavenly Father and through the gospel, he took away my guilt and shame. I am thankful because at a time when I felt alone and lost, God gave me his listening ear - he heard my prayer and in His mercy, revealed himself to me. He poured out his Holy Spirit so that I could respond to Him in faith and obedience. He granted me love and forgiveness so that I could love and forgive others. The LORD saved me from death and he wiped away my tears so that I could walk in the light and taste the goodness of his presence. Thank you LORD for your compassion to sinners. Even though I was far from you, you drew near to me.